Artie Fishel - The Musings Of A Brilliant, If Somewhat Delusional, Saxophonist

The sheer genius of Artie Fishel and the Promised Band’s album takes one’s breath and should be classified as a lethal weapon. The music, so effortlessly performed, a feat only accomplished by the truly gifted, is mesmerizing; the wildly impulsive hilarity is side-splitting. Jazz, as we know it, will never be the same.

So who IS this phenom, Artie Fishel? I headed off, as any discerning progressive journalist would, straight to the source - Mr. Fishel, himself - a pleasant albeit excitable, unpredictable individual, eager to talk and talk . . .


Angie: Hello, there! Everyone is asking "who is Artie Fishel"? Enlighten us.

Artie: Artie Fishel is me. Look at me. What do you see? Nu just say it: a proud self-loving man, a man who feels no shame and doesn’t even know what shame is. A man who loves his people, a man who is beloved by his people. Indeed I am very arty, but I do not fishel for compliments. I am the truth, and I expect nothing less than the truth.

After two thousand years of Jewish suffering, after two thousand years of cultural and mental Diaspora, I do not care what the Goyim say about me. I have decided to stand up and to tell the truth. Jazz is Jewish, and we want our music back.


Angie: Excuse me? You want your music back? But, Artie, jazz is not Jewish.

Artie: (ignores interruption) I have now formed a Jewish band, the new home for Jewish music. It is called Artie Fishel and the Promised Band. You can all buy our album and merchandise (iBagel, T-shirts, Artie's Kugel) in every kosher deli around the world. You can judge for yourself. Our music is no doubt the best Jazz around. Our music is all about resistance. We resist civil rights. We are for Zwing, Bee Boip, Post Boip, Yunkle music, Droim and Boss. We are contemporary, we are nostalgic, we are the future. We are Mazal Tov.


Angie: Your album is being launched by Gilad Atzmon on October 18-21 at Pizza on the Park in London. Excited, Artie?

Artie: Why to mention this horrible self hating Gilad Atzmon, a traitor, a hate monger, a man with no respect to his people?


Angie: Well, Gilad IS giving you the opportunity to be heard by millions, perhaps, billions. Tell our readers about your cd. What can they expect to hear and so on?

Artie: Our album is very serious and the fact that you and other anti Semite find it funny just proves that you Goyim learned nothing. Angie, you keep this line of bigotry and let me assure you, this time we will fight back. NO MORE JAZZ CHAMBER.


Angie: No more jazz chamber? What the -- Artie, look, I realize this is an exciting time for you with the new album, the press chasing after you, microphones in your face, BBC interviews, fans screaming, and so on, but please try to stay focused. I assume the "Promised Band" relates to your delusions respecting the origins of jazz, or?

Artie: What do you mean? Are you a Jazz denier? Don’t you know that where jazz is coming from? Jazz is Jewish, Zwing is Jewish. Just get use to it. Do you want another Shoa, and then the another Schindler Liszt? Let’s stop right there. We ask for our music back, no more, no less.


Angie: But, Artie, jazz had its origins in America dating back to a time when former slaves were free to – never mind. Why don’t you introduce us to the musicians in the Promised Band?

Artie: Of course, I love to talk about us! I, myself, play the Zaxophon und Schwartzephon, what some people call the misery stick, what the goyim call clarinet. From time to time I zing as well. Hoy, I have such a beautiful voice, don’t you think so? Angie, why do you laugh? Don’t you like my voice? Anyway, you are an anti Semite. Actually I don’t really care what you think.


Angie: Come on, just get on with introducing the band, please.

Artie: On Droim we have Peter Foreskin. What a wonderful drummer! He is so violent, and angry, and aggressive and relax and quiet and he never, never, never misses the one, and even when he does occasionally misses the one, we always follow him, because we are so tune to each other. This is all due to our Kosher brotherhood. I tell you, once you go Kosher, Zwing is no torture.


Angie: And who is the bassist?

Artie: Hoy, Jaco Pastrami on the Boss. What a great player! The technique, the intonation, I tell you, he sounds like melting Philadelphia cream cheese mixed with smoke salmon.

Shimshon Gib Shoin on Gitoyer. Believe me, once you listen to him, you forget Hendrix and Clapton. Gitoyer is a Jewish instrument. It is noisy, but it can cry and break your heart as if a pogrom is going on.


Angie: Wow! Shimshon Gib Shoin is that good, eh? But the "gitoyer" is not a Jewish instrument, Artie.

Artie: What do you mean ‘not Jewish’? So what is it? Marrocan? Jordanian, Yeguslavian? Every people has its musical instrument so why we the Jews cannot have the Gitoyer? Aren’t we people like other people?


Angie: (Sighs) Who are the other band members?

Artie: McGoy Tyner on the Piane, recently converted into Zwing. Before he was an accountant. What a Klezmer he is!


Angie: Er -- right! And that awesome looking accordion player is?

Artie: Oy, you Angie Bungie, you Shikzes and your sexual appetite! On Accordion and voical we have the famous Salim Dion, an Israeli ex-fighter pilot. Now a cultural ambassador of the Jewish music. Let me tell you, all the girls like him.


Angie: I bet!! But, good heavens, Artie! What a formidable lineup!!

Artie: I tell you, Angie, with Peter Foreskin on Droims, Jaco Pastrami on boss and McGoy Tyner on the piane one should expect no less than great music. But mostly important it is me, me, me! Look at me! It is me, Artie, who plays the Zaxophon and the Schwartzephon. I am so great, and I love the world. I love to make people happy, I love to wake up in the morning and to see me, and to see that I am still alive and zwinging. I tell you, I am so positive, mazal tov.


Angie: That you are! Critics are already comparing you to another jazz musician, Gilad Atzmon. What do you say to that?

Artie: Why? Why do you do it? I don’t even want to mention this man. Gilad Atzmon is what we call a proud self hating Jew, and I tell you there must be something wrong with his sexuality. Gilad Atzmon must be an impotent or may be even syphilis or cancer in the balls, or maybe even mental damage in the kidneys. There is a problem there! This idiot, Atzmon, calls himself Jihad Axman. He now claims that Jazz is Palestinian.


Angie: But Artie . . .

Artie: If it wasn’t funny, we would probably finish him off by now. But you see, if we take his life, there is the danger that people understand that this ugly Atzmon may have been right all the time, so we let him free for the time being. Besides, more than once, we thought to put this Atzmon in a suitcase and to bring him to Israel for a trial, but how to say it? Atzmon is a big man, 7.2 ft. Although we found a big enough suitcase, no Mossad agent agreed to pay the overweight charge in Heathrow airport.


Angie: But, Artie, Gilad Atzmon is a famous musician, political essayist, and all around hugely funny individual. How would you explain his having a Mossad "accident"?

Artie: I prefer to maintain silent.


Angie: You what? All right, Artie. Let’s change the subject, shall we? Just a few more questions. How political, if at all, are you?

Artie: I am not political at all. Unlike Atzmon, I am a proper Jazz musician. I just say what I believe in. Now when the Jews have reclaimed their home land in Zion, it is about time we reclaim our music. Mazal Tov.


Angie: Is there anything else you want to say to our readers?

Artie: Buy my album. For you just £9.99. Believe me it costs me more. If you buy a thousand, we can give you a better price. I tell you, once you put it in your cd player, you don’t need any other music . . .


Angie: All right, then. That's it! It’s been SO fun chatting with you, Artie. Thanks!

Artie: Mazal Tov!


Angie Tibbs is a writer/activist and music critic who resides on the east coast of Canada. She welcomes your comments at fightingoppression@nl.rogers.com